Our stories: Linda Lee’s introduction to her healing

Linda Lee, whose profession is in sales and marketing, is beginning to write her story. Here’s the first part.

How do I begin to tell my story when there are so many layers, years passed, time that can never be replaced?  I ask myself this question often… In truth…I perfected how to be a chameleon as an adult.  This is how I survived.

There is so much screaming to come out of me, and each time, I hesitate. Do I want to open another door?  Do I have a choice in how I make agreements with myself on what I want to remember and don’t?

Finding the courage each time is not an easy one for me because I have blocked out major sections of my childhood. Years of nightmares have invaded my sleep: Dead animals hanging from my ceiling dripped blood on me. A large sharp object sometimes a knife, erupting from my closet to attack me. I often awoke standing in the middle of my room, alone, hyperventilating.  I do realize that talking about the realities, which are more frightening than the nightmares, is key to healing and letting this go.

I remember opening that first door like it was yesterday. I had just turned 31 and connected with a wonderful woman who helped me begin to understand. Until then I believed that there was something really wrong with me.  But then the nightmares, panic attacks, suicidal thoughts and never feeling worthy began to make sense.

I began unraveling a past that has haunted me for decades. As a child, sexual abuse at the hands of my father and my mother, assault with a shotgun, neglect.  As an adult, rape, countless abusive relationships, and most recent chronic pain in my shoulders and jaw.

And yet, I am not a victim.  I have survived, and am healing.

I have come to understand that my chronic physical pain is a direct result from my past.  I continue to meet people and find the tools to heal, one layer at a time.

I finally feel empowered and I have a voice. Every day I find the courage to speak my truth through my written word and in speech. I have felt alone and trapped inside myself the majority of my life.  By sharing my experiences and being living proof that there is hope from the atrocities I have endured. I want to make sure that no one will ever feel so alone or exist in fear and shame anymore.

Next: “A little child sits alone on top a silver dented trash can, awaiting the garbage man to take her away”…

You can contact Linda Lee through the ACEs Too High Network.

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