Marie Warga, at the age she says her father was sexually abusing her.
Editor’s note: When H. Marie Warga learned that her father was attempting to contact her, she wrote this letter to him. At the urging of Connie Valentine, one of the co-founders of the Incest Survivors Speakers Bureau, she sent it to ACEsTooHigh.com, with the hope that it will help other men and women who are struggling with the same issues: how to give voice to the unspeakable, how to establish boundaries, and what forgiveness means. Warga is entering her senior year in college, and intends to become a lawyer.
Robin,
I am writing this letter since hearing that you were attempting to contact me. There are things I need to hear myself say to you before I read or hear anything from you. First, I am going to tell you that you were lucky. You are a man who was able to violate the trust
he built with his wife and child and then walk away without punishment. You were able to cause pain and suffering in a child’s life but move on without any repercussions. The destruction you caused was a mere chapter in your life. I know that you deny what you did to me when talking to others, but you cannot pretend with me. I am the one you violated. I am the one you betrayed. I am the one who remembers. You cannot run away from me or God. We know the truth, no matter what you tell others or say to yourself. If you dare try to have contact with the child that you hurt, there are first some things you need to know.
When that chapter in your life was over, and you couldn’t touch me again, you moved on. But your actions had a huge impact on the rest of my childhood. Your actions gave me anger that a child/adolescent should never have to feel. You gave me fear that only children who have been traumatized have. You gave me nightmares every night for years. I would wake up screaming in terror, trying to escape the monster in my dream that, even at a young age, I always knew was you. You trampled my trust for any man or boy to enter my life. You gave me a temper that led me to harm others as well as myself. Due to your actions, I suffered with depression until college that, on occasion, almost led me to end my own life. For years after your new life began, I struggled to keep the only one I had.
Even when times seemed to be good, a simple trigger would give me a flashback, sending me right back to when and where all the fears began. You took away my childhood. You took away my mother’s chance to play and have fun with her only daughter during what was supposed to be a happy, free and playful time in their lives. You took away my chance to have what other kids have, a protective, loving, supportive and respected father. You took away my time to learn and develop respectful and appropriate relationships with others. You left a child with nothing but fear, anger and confusion to grow and develop with. To this day, at 21, I still am trying to learn about what makes an appropriate and healthy relationship between a husband/wife, father and child. I am still trying to figure out if I will ever be able to decipher a good man, from one like you. You did not just molest your daughter until she was 5, you damaged her entire life in ways that you cannot even begin to, and never will, understand. Sadly, you are not the only man to do this, or something like it, to his child. But I want you to know that I came out on the positive end compared to what could have happened, and that is thanks to my mom.
She showed me how to be strong, move on, learn and use the feelings I had about my situation to drive me in a better direction. She showed me how the Lord helped her to save me from you when I was 5, and the Lord showed me how to save myself from you at 19. There are goals I have set for myself that sound extremely difficult to anyone who hears them. However, I believe that these goals have been decided on because I have developed something that others might not have. I have experience in this type of trauma. I have passion needed to make a difference in the lives of other children who are being put through what you did to me. I also have the intelligence needed to out-smart anyone who gets in my way of protecting those kids from people like you. They deserve a chance like I had to overcome.
There is one more thing that makes me different from anyone else who has been violated in such a way. I have forgiveness. When the Lord saved me, he showed me how to forgive you when I was 19. But hear me when I say, do not be mistaken. I did not forgive you because I felt you deserved another chance. People like you do not change and given the chance, I firmly believe that you would harm another defenseless little girl. I did not forgive you because I felt you had been punished enough. The only way I would feel that justice had been served would be if you were in prison with a lifetime of therapy. I did not forgive you because time healed all wounds. My scars are still very much there and I will always struggle, to some degree, with what you did to me.
I forgave you for myself and myself alone. It is because the anger, fear and sadness are a distraction and something I do not deserve to have. I let the pain and suffering you caused me run my life and love for 19 years, and that was too long. It was time to let that all go and find the emotions and feelings that truly make up who I am deep inside. All those feelings I had towards you, as well as the ones you made me feel towards myself, were like a blanket covering the real me. I forgave you to find myself, and I have. You deserve no credit for this. You are lucky. Your child survived a traumatic experience and violation by you, her father, and came out an amazing, smart, driven, kind and beautiful woman. However, you do not get to claim me and my success. I did this on my own, (but in the beginning with the help from my mom). My anger towards you however is gone. I wasted too much time and energy on you and I learned to put it towards fixing what you broke. Now that I have, I feel you should know what you caused as well as the result.
You broke me, and ruined my childhood, but you will not have my present or future. I welcome an apology from you. But do not think for a second that I will accept anything less than a true, honest-to-God and responsibility-taken, apology. Remember, I am smart enough to know the difference. If you do try for contact I will also require an apology for my mom. She was your wife and your love, and you destroyed her trust and hurt her one and only child. You took away the one chance she had at having a happy life raising her child. Yes, she and I have an absolutely amazing relationship now, but you ruined her plan. We both deserve an apology, but we will not hold our breath. Only after these two conditions are fulfilled will I consider any further communication with you.
(signed) Marie; aka Survivor
Thank you so much for sharing. My 10 year just told me about her father and I feel like I’m the only one trying to protect her. No one is taking this as a big deal because he is her “father” . I have done police report, cps report, which were both men and she couldnt tell them. A therapist a court investigator, now her own attorney. I pray for her strength and don’t want to loose her trust. She never wants to see him again. He’s been doing it for as long ad she can remember. Do you have any advice for me. I would love to hear from you.
I don’t mean to hijack this post, and I’m sure you meant this for Marie, but I just wanted to say that it would have meant the world to me, and would have had a huge impact on my emotional health, if my mother would have come to my aid. (She denies it to this day.) How awesome that you are in such a healthy frame of mind to help your daughter. I know that it doesn’t end there, but it starts there.
Go to Ducote Law.com, he is who helped out my mom with suggestions and great insight. Just please keep reminding your daughter how important she is to you and how none of what her father has been doing is her fault. She will also need help to understand that she has nothing to be ashamed of or embarrassed about because this is her father’s sickness, not her’s. my mom says to hang in there, you are in for the fight of your life.
This is from a woman who’s very active in cases like this:
There is a massive system failure. Children are not protected in family courts. Please go to http://www.protectiveparents.com, http://www.mothers-of-lost-children.com (especially the Warning to Mothers Handbook), http://www.centerforjudicialexcellence.org, and http://www.leadershipcouncil.org for more information and be very careful as you move forward.
I am fourteen right now and my dad is doing the exact same thing to me. I tried to commit suicide yesterday, but it didn’t work. I haven’t told my mom or anyone and I don’t know what to do. But it’s good to know I’m not alone. Thank you for posting this letter.
I am so sorry for what your going through. All I can really tell you is to not give up. It didn’t work, and that’s a very good thing. You are right that you’re not alone. When your ready, talk to your mom and if you are afraid to do that, try the school counselor. Just telling one person can get your foot in the door to find help. Just please do not give up. There is a life outside of this and you will find it.
Lyss, please hang in there. I am so glad that you are still here. I want you to know that it’s nothing you’re doing that is making your dad do these things to you. It is his own problem. Tell him no when he tries things with you. Tell a counselor at school. If you can, tell your mother. Tell a family friend who will listen. It is not your fault. Please get help. It is not worth the end of your precious life. You are not alone. I can imagine how you feel. Just keep yourself safe however you can and you will be in a better place in the future. I wish I was there to help you.
Thank you both for caring. I am planning on telling someone in two weeks. I hope it goes well!
Lyss……….Please don’t commit suicide. My daughter just told me (mom) that, it happened to her. She was 11 yrs. old and our divorce had just been finalized. I thought she was just having a hard time with the divorce so I was clueless. Now 12 yrs later she just informed me whet really happened. I want you to know one thing tell your mom, tell your friends, tell anyone that will listen to you. Tell the police…….. if they don’t. You need protection and you can’t do it alone. I am sure your mom loves you. She will have your back and know whet to do. My daughter took 12 yrs to tell me and now I wish I had knowen sooner. So that I could have told her I believe you , I am here for you, and that I love you with all of my heart. I would also have gone to the police to make a report if that is something that she would have wanted. You are not alone, and I will pray for you tonight.
Marie, I want to thank you for posting this letter. I was molested at a young age by my own brother and I was looking for advice on how to heal from this horrible piece of my past when I came across this letter. I don’t know how on earth you got past the anger toward your father. I am stuck on that right now. I have told my mother, recently, about what my brother did to me and she denied it and later forgot that I told her. I told my sister years ago and she said that my brother was in his early teens and boys that age are just experimental sexually and that it wasn’t something that I should take as an attack. I was five or six when it happened. I can’t see how my sister could say such a thing! Clearly, my mother and sister just don’t want to deal with it, but it showed me that it’s useless to tell my family what happened. Now I don’t speak to my sister or my brother and I am hated by my entire family for that. I don’t know how to get past this. But your letter helps me to see that others have gone through a similar situation and have gotten past it. Thank you for that.
I have always wanted to speak to a survivor of abuse. I have been abuse myself, not by my father ( thank goodness) but by boyfriends and I’ve always wanted to speak to someone about their journey from victim to survivor so that I can become stronger as well. Do u mind marie?
You can find abuse survivors to talk with in local domestic violence support groups and local social services groups such as Crittenton. You can also check the local YWCA and even some of the 12-step groups, such as Alcoholics Anonymous or Adult Children of Alcoholics, because addiction and abuse go hand-in-hand.
I am a mother of a now 18 year old daughter who recently attempted suicide, died for 20 mins and came back to this earth. She is my angel. My daughter has been battling depression and PTSD for over four years along with severe anorexia. At the age of three there was an investigation into sexual abuse that went unsolved and closed for lack of a suspect that had access to her. After many terrible years of marriage I entered therapy and moved on to find a loving healthy relationship. My daughter is not as lucky.
The words in your letter could have come exactly from her lips. She has not yet come to the realization that her abuser was her father. I struggle to accept this as well. Thank you for your honesty. Your letter has helped me to further identify similarities in our life and stands for an example of how to shed light on a nightmare.
If you could share with me any details from what mother did to help you through I would appreciate it.
Thank you again
My mom put my in therapy early on, even when I was forced by the court to have visitation with him, I was in therapy. My mom reminded me of the evils in the world and how the best way to beat them is to live your life better than you ever imagined. For years I rolled my eyes at the things she would say. But then we started talking about God an his help. As time went on, I got into college an started doing things that showed me that my mom and God were right. I survived. But if it wasn’t for my mom pushing therapy and my personal relationship with God. I wouldn’t be here. I’m SO sorry to hear about your daughter.
Marie:
This Letter was sent to me recently,and to be honest, I am beyond impressed.
It is evident by your words that you are a new person. I happy to hear that you have found God through his, and that you are leading a happy life.
I wish you the best, I know you will be an excellect advocate, improving the lives of many.
Joe,
The only one you know.
Joe,
Thank you for your comment. I can only hope that I can make an impact as an advocate and I’m thankful for your encouragement.
Oh..and the only joe I know was a nickname.. . .
. .?
But anyways, I really appreciate what you said.
I know, Im that JoE.
Dear Survivor,
I don’t know exactly what to say.. but my father did the same thing to be from ages 7-14. I’m 21 now and still do not have the courage to write him a letter. You have truly, completely, and utterly inspired me, that someday I will be a survivor, and no longer a victim. Thank you for your strength and for sharing this. It’s exactly what I needed to hear. Much love, Aly
Aly, I’m sorry for what happened to you. It warms my heart to hear that my letter gave you something positive to think about, even for just a moment. All I wanted to do by posting this was to TRY and help others put it in their past and push forward for a different and bright future. We may not have had control when it was happening, but we have control now.
Thank you for your heartfelt letter. I admire your willingness to push through and not let the past define your future.
Thank you for sharing this story, I know that it will help many out there who have gone through this horrible experience.
Dear Surviver,
Your story touched the core of my soul. I work with teens that have experienced abuse in their lives. You have put a voice to what it means to have that child father relationship destroyed. You are one of the survivors that has learned to overcome your wounds to accomplish the things you do deserve in life. However, you remind us that the scar remains, and needs some attention from time to time to keep growing forward. Thank you for having the courage to be the voice for the thousands of victims that have experienced such horrible abuse. As a father of three daughters, that bring me joy to my life, your father has turned his back on one of the greatest opportunity to be a loving father. You are strong, intelligent, and have wisdom beyond your years. God bless you and keep moving forward to be that incredible person you are intended to be.
It doesn’t make any difference how much feeling or hurt went into this letter. The abuser doesn’t give a shit and he’ll just go on about his life as if nothing happened…it’s because he’s selfish and only thinks of himself. Believe me, I know; my ex-husband molested my daughter when she was twelve and Human Services took his side because he’s “an upstanding citizen of the community”. No one cared about my daughter but me. I had to send her to live with her Godparents to get her away from this monster. Did it hurt him? Of course not. He just starting going out with the local town pump, divorced me, took everything I ever worked for and got physical placement of our other two children and remarried. Justice is an illusion.
Instead of sending her away to be with godparents, why the hell did you not leave him first and take the kids!? Why would you stay with a man you know did such a terrible thing to your daughter!?
Jordan,
I’m so sorry for why you and your daughter went through. Justice for child victims is extremely hard to achieve right now. That’s why I want to be an advocate. I know my father probably has no guilt for what he did, but the letter was more for my satisfaction and sanity. My prayers are with you and your daughter.
Powerful letter, Oh wise one . . Love, Rob.
Indeed. When we chatted, Marie’s determination came through loud and clear in her voice. Thanks for commenting.