Juan (name changed), convicted of aggravated assault at 21, has been in solitary for five years. He has seen and experienced it all: brutal cell extractions, hunger strikes, flooded pods and endless hours spent screaming at his cell door.
By the time I met him, he’d racked up over 80 misconducts in numerous prisons and earned the enmity of most of the officers forced to deal with him. Hardly your model inmate.
Yet from our very first visit, I was struck by the humility and sadness in his eyes. Somehow, despite his “bad-boy” reputation, I sensed there was more to him, something worth saving.
Unfortunately, that was not an opinion shared by the officers at State Correctional Institution (SCI) Camp Hill. While corrections officers now receive some mental health training, most still have a mind-set geared toward control and punishment, not mental health care. So it was probably inevitable, given Juan’s conduct, that he would have a rough road in prison and numerous conflicts with staff.
But I am a registered nurse, not a corrections officer. My training never presumed that harsh punishment was the best cure for behavior disorders. A few months after I met Juan, he sent me his medical records, which were a depressing read to say the least.
Addicted to crack at birth, a victim of severe child abuse and neglect, four suicide attempts as a teen, multiple mental health hospitalizations and a diagnosis of bipolar disorder. If that weren’t enough strikes against him, an MRI of his head revealed mild brain damage, presumed to be the result of a beating by his parents. In my view, this was a kid who never had a chance.
“Do you have any contacts or support on the outside?” I asked during that first visit.
Juan looked down but not before his eyes clouded over. “No.”
“Not even a friend — or some other relative?”
“No. There’s nobody,” he said quietly.
I smiled reassuringly, hoping it conveyed the right amount of support without leaving the impression I felt sorry for him. But it was hard not to. Far too many young people, seriously abused and neglected as kids, end up right where he is.
Some enforcement types refer to people like me as “hug a thugs.” I know how they think because I used to be one of them. My grandfather was a New York City police officer. My husband is a retired wildlife conservation officer.
I come from a long line of ultraconservative Republicans with little sympathy for prisoners. I proudly considered myself an advocate for victims, morally superior to the “bleeding hearts” who predictably line up in defense of misfits and felons.
But what I had failed to realize is that in some cases, those who commit crimes were horribly victimized too. I shuddered recalling what I’d read in his record — how his mother smeared feces in his face to punish him. Who wouldn’t be affected by something like that?
Over the next few months Juan began to let down his guard with me. Even though he continued to be a problem for some of the officers, I was convinced his misbehavior was the result of hopelessness and despair. One day he confided something that took my breath away: “My biggest fear,” he wrote, “is that I will die someday never being loved — by anyone.”
Right then I knew the isolation and harsh punishment he received in the Special Management Unit, designed for problematic inmates without mental illnesses, would never save him or turn him around. Juan needed to know that someone valued and believed in him, so he could learn to believe in himself. But prisons don’t operate under the principles of Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs. Clearly I had my work cut out for me.
As I continued to visit Juan, I was increasingly able to see glimpses of his true character, and the person he wanted to be. He often berated himself over his conduct, and wished he were better at controlling his behavior and moods. “I hate being like this,” he said. “I worry God has given up on me.”
With some encouragement, however, he began to set goals and asked me to assign him homework or essays on how to control his anger. But to my surprise, when I wanted to order some books for him, he urged me to wait. “Please don’t get me anything until I prove myself to you,” he wrote. “If I don’t get any misconducts this month, then maybe you can get me a book.”
Those were the kind of communications that assured me Juan was not irretrievably lost, despite his protracted reputation for misbehavior. He yearned to improve, to give someone a reason to be proud of him. While I understood the need to segregate him given his unpredictable behavior, he responded well to positive reinforcement and short-range goals and incentives.
Regrettably, he would never receive that in the Special Management Unit. I wrote a few polite letters to prison administrators, expressing my concern about his placement there.
Unfortunately, those concerns were not well received. I was told he did not have a mental illness, despite the fact that his medical records clearly stated otherwise. That response and Juan’s continued difficulties concerned me enough to continue to visit and advocate for him, but it was to no avail. My visiting privileges were terminated and a month later, Juan was shipped to another prison, more than a hundred miles away.
At that point, things looked pretty bleak for Juan and his behavior deteriorated even further. But a miracle loomed on the horizon, thanks to some unusually progressive prison staff.
“I went crazy when they wouldn’t let me see you anymore,” Juan said, after I was able to visit him at his new prison. “When they took away the little support I had, I lost all hope.”
But a year after his transfer, my husband and I were invited to SCI Forest, where we were greeted warmly by staff. The superintendent had just approved a special four-hour contact visit with Juan as a reward for months of good behavior.
“I didn’t want to tell you until I was absolutely sure,” Juan gushed, a few weeks before our scheduled visit. “But I am so happy! I love these officers and I love the superintendent! He is a great man! And I have a job now too. I am a block worker and I do the very best job I can. I want to honor these people for the chance they gave me. I can’t say enough about them!
And indeed he can’t. Juan sings their praises in almost every letter I get from him. Whereas in other prisons he busied himself writing grievances, now Juan delights in writing thank you notes to the superintendent and his staff, and the walls of his cell are plastered with their encouraging replies.
How was this young man, once one of the worst-behaved inmates in the Pennsylvania Department of Corrections, able to make such a dramatic improvement? Much of the credit for that must go to the staff at Forest, who recognized the desire Juan had to improve and how to best help him achieve it.
Instead of viewing my involvement as a hindrance, they recognized that his hunger for loving human bonds could be beneficial in molding his behavior and bringing him to stability. But most of all, they demonstrated true compassion; a vital element too often missing in the process of rehabilitating young men like Juan.
Later, as my husband and I walked into the visiting room, Juan rushed toward us, wrapping us in hugs, reluctant to let go. Hardly surprising. It was the first warm, human embrace he’d received in eight long years.
“Thank you so much,” he said tearfully. “I promise you that I will keep doing my best. I want to honor everyone for what they have done for me. This is the best Christmas I ever had in my life.”
I thought about the bond Juan and I had developed, the awful abuse he’d endured as a child, and the desperate futility I felt when I was prevented from giving Juan what he needed most to heal — until now.
“Mine too,” I said.
Cindy Sanford is the author of “Letters to a Lifer: The Boy ‘Never to be Released.’” She is a registered nurse and a prison volunteer. She is married to a retired law enforcement officer and is the mother of four sons.
ACEs Too High 
I spent a few years at Forest, and I know it can be a rough place for some. But I’m glad to see that you didn’t give up on Juan. Sad to hear what he went through in his life and it’s nice to know that you brought him some love, you’re a wonderful person 💓 my Wife Robyn passed while I was only serving a 2to4 year sentence and I don’t know how I made it out of the the place alive without killing myself. Just kept telling myself that I need to see her grave, to know that this isn’t a nightmare… Well it’s real. Anyway thanks for the nice story 👍
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This article is really an eye opener. I believe that so many inmates lack encouragement and the sense of worth. Their needs often are not addressed nor do their events in childhood come forth. Some inmates do not benefit from the positivity or embrace of help. But there are some like Juan who have potential to be better for everyone around them. It would be a wonderful thing if more in PA DOC would focus on rehabilitation and care for inmates. Working with inmates who show the character deep within would benefit so many. Give the opportunity to the inmates and enable empathy and I am sure there will be many Juan’s definitely not all but even a few is worth the chance taken. Thank you for your work and dedication to these inmates. It’s a beautiful thing that you help him find purpose. Something Juan needed was the sense of belonging and to feel wanted something so simple that so many in his life could have offered. Thank you for sharing your story.
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Unfortunately, as a mother of a young inmate at SCI Forest I have not seen any compassion, empathy or sympathy by staff. They are rude when I have called and rude when we have visited. ( with the exception of 4 staff). Even after my son has continued to receive death threats and requested to move to a restrictive unit for safety. Actually, it’s bern much worse there. Your story however is nice but so hard to imagine.
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Cindy, this is an amazing and inspirational story that i completely relate to on so many levels, on both sides. I don’t even know what this page is, i found it while searching for a reference to Marienville in a rap song that i can’t exactly remember and it’s bugging me. However, i (kind of) understand your struggle and the unappreciated work you did for that man and wanted to just show some sort of thanks to you. I had a rough childhood, but nothing like Juans, i am from a poor white family yet was surrounded by similar thinking conservative individuals and in a 96% white mountain town in PA, yet also made my own perspective and opinions based on experiences with so many backgrounds in the military in many countries, then as a juvenile detention officer, as direct care staff at a secure adolescent mental health facility, and then after visiting the other side after my own personal struggles with trauma, addiction, homelessness, and minor brushes with the law (this was all over a 20 year span). Funny enough, after my first active duty tour i attended Penn State for the Wildlife Technology program and graduated with the intent of serving as a PA WCO!! Obviously before my childhood demons caught up with my adult trauma and sent me in the wrong direction for a few years but this all rings so true. i even used to be the one saying “well, then don’t run from the police if you don’t want shot !!” During the first “few” widely distributed shooting videos, But then i just kept thinking “but was a guy running away with no weapon, no violent record, and a few grams of marijuana THAT much of a threat??!!” (Not that every scenario is that simple) and then after falling in love with a mixed race black woman with mixed race children and having the talk with them at seven years old, it FINALLY dawned on me what people go through daily and i started to REALLY change. Having a rough childhood actually made my attitude worse because i felt that if i made it , then nobody has an excuse but despite the things i experienced as a kid being difficult i can not compare to the extreme abuse that some people like Juan have experienced or the lack of opportunity millions of American kids see daily. Its like a person stuck in their car overnight during a storm unprepared, but being rescued the next day thinking they understand exactly what a Marine at the Chosin Reservoir endured. I was so relieved when you revealed the educated and professional staff at Forest SCI treated him the way he needed to be treated for recovery , something tells me that your dedication and hard work was the reason for that transfer, even if the ignorant staff at the first institution refused to admit that to you. Its a very conflicting place to be where you were intellectually as your beliefs were evolving, it’s taking all the conditioning you experienced in the first, most formative decades of your life by the people you love the most and trying to reverse it without seeing them as bad people or feeling like you betrayed them. you second guess yourself for years until you realize its ok to change and be you and not have to keep what you were taught by great people, just great people from a very diffrent era. Anyways, this went from me wanting to thank you to me talking about me, so ill shut up now. I just think you had a great experience in just this one example, so im sure you have touched countless lives, so thank you. You and your husband deserve a wonderful retirement and i hope you feel like you made a huge difference in the world, even though people like us never think that we have given enough. Take care and thanks for being that bright light in a place of eternal darkness, even though the “good guys” did everything they could to shut you down .
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It’s over a year since I wrote that story about Juan and I would like to leave an update as I feel it proves the value of consistent mentoring.
Juan has now been in general population for a year and a half and has successfully completed all his required DOC programs. My husband and I see him on a weekly basis and his outlook has improved tremendously. Juan richly blesses our lives with his humor and many other gifts that we have seen evolve in him overtime. He will be facing the parole board next spring.
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I wish someone like you could visit and mentor my young grandson Trent Maffei at Forest. He is loosing hope and his true character is quickly disappearing.
He has been telling me the horrible things that go on in there with the prisoners and the gangs. He is horribly tattooing his body to survive in there to be accepted as a bad boy not to be messed with in hopes to be accepted and left alone by these gang affiliations in Forest. I don’t have any resources for him to help him in there or here on the outside. I literally fear for his life and fear that when his time is done he will be so broken mentally that life on the outside may have hardened him for being sent there as a young person, when what he really needed was intense drug rehabilitation and mental therapy.. I have also always thought he was bipolar, as well. If you could point me in the direction of resources to help my grandson I would greatly appreciate it. Thank you, Trents’ Gram Ellen Kelly
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Ellen, please reach out to my by email.
Sanfordnsons58@gmail.com
Thanks!
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This is inspiring. Thank you for sharing. It makes me want to use my bleeding heart to help more people.❤️
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Juan’s “Swan Song” story brought me to tears after working with offenders for the past 45 years. I have long known that most inmates (adult and juvenile, male and female) are victims of adverse childhood experiences. If trauma focused practices were implemented prior to corrections focused concerns, Recidivism rates nationally would make an epic decline in corrections. I personally believe there is a “Juan” in all of us and a “Cindy ” in the worst of us. How to ‘morph’ the one into the other is the secret to health and healing. Years ago, popular music icon, Al Green, popularized the song “How do you mend a broken Heart?” That’s the $64,000,000.00 question. My answer is “You massage it one prisoner at a time.?
I am now committed to singing Juan ‘s “Swan Song” for another 45 years until prisoners “Mend their broken Hearts” with our help.
Caroljean Gates, Executive Director
Cleveland Eastside Ex – Offender Coalition
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I’m confused… a Cindy in the worst of us?
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Good on you… Thank you.
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Hi Nicole, Don’t want to send you to much….but you will appreciate this writing from a nurse who tried kindness and turned a life of a juvenile imprisoned who had been born addicted to drugs…abused by a mom etc….it does have a better ending cuz a mom figure hugged him….opiates and other drugs have a huge affect on our population…..Have a good weekend….Linda
Peaceful thoughts,
LINDA HURNI HARDY, PT, CSCS, FSC, writer, poet, volunteer, activist, and NANA that which is most important of all…… Ange’ Lonearth
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